Flying:Obey the Rules!!!

I fly a lot. Mostly in planes. Planes tend to bring out the worst in people. Let’s face it, it is stressy being crammed in a little metal tube, squished between strangers that may or may not smell and trying to keep track of your stuff. It involves being somewhere exactly on time and making your way through a series of Survivor-like challenges all designed to fuck up your day. Stay strong people. People do behave badly. Not always -I am sure that human nature has its good side, but it is mostly not apparent when traveling.  Security is always interesting. Everyone complains about it, even knowing that it is there to prevent them from blowing up. The line is always too long, the TSA employees always too gruff and it is always better at another airport [unless of course they are at another airport, in which case it is another airport that is better]. Food in airports is overpriced and is designed to lead to flatulence. Clearly, the airport menu chefs have conspired to ‘hack’ the food so that unsuspecting travelers are forced to hold their gas in the middle seat for two hours. Or for the braver amongst us, just to let it go, and hope that no one recognizes where that the smell is emanating from seat 26B. There are crying babies, who should by all rights have an airline of their own. Then there are those that snore louder than an Antonov. I suspect that may have been me at some point, but I will never know. Occasionally, I do wake from a particularly deep 15 minute head bobbing coma with a small puddle of drool on my or my neighbor’s shirt. 

I would like to set some rules, posted here for all to see so that I singlehandedly can make the flying experience just that much better for everyone. Please be so kind and pass this blog address along to everyone you know. While you are at it, kindly transfer $100 each to my Paypal account to allow for further marketing of the site, and to buy myself something really nice.

Flying: The Rules

1. Arriving at the airport/check in:  Know how to use the check in Kiosk, or get out of the way. Don’t congregate in groups in front of the Kiosk looking like a group of stunned deer. Should there be an actual human being doing the check-in, which is a rarity, do not engage in small talk, and talking about your French Poodle for ten minutes while I stare at the back of your head wondering whether I will miss my flight. Don’t ask for an upgrade if you are not a qualified miler, or are willing to pay for it. It ain’t gonna happen.
2. Security: Don’t complain about how long the line is, and then wait to get ready for screening when you arrive at the screening area. Take your shoes off, take your jacket off, WAKE UP.  GET READY BEFORE-HAND. I will hit you with a plastic bin, I swear, to get you moving. Be part of the solution.
3. Getting on the plane: Don’t congregate like cattle around the gate door. Wait for YOUR section/zone/area to be called. The plane is NOT going anywhere without you. I know why you want to rush on, because you brought way too many carry ons, and need to find a place for your elephant head trophy or whatever. Check that stuff, you ingrate. Find your seat and sit down. Again, prep. If you need your book, or whatever, you had 10 minutes in the jet way to get it out of your bag. Once inside the aircraft, do not ride the back of me pushing me along the aisle with your impatience-prod. We will all sit down before the plane takes off, don’t you worry. Give reasonable, repeat reasonable, distance and time to sit down. I don’t need your hand-carry up my ass.
4. Sitting: be conscientious. If you want to recline your seat back, do not do it with the force of 12 stampeding water buffalo. Do NOT rock up and down on your seat the entire flight like you are humping the person in front of you. My laptop screen, as I type has almost been snapped in two twice. I am already sitting here like T-Rex-short-arm-carpal-tunnel trying to catch up on 500 emails in a few moments of semi-quiet. Watch your space, pogo man, this is my little office back here.
5. Attitude: We are all in this together. Your snappy, sense of entitlement because you are flying has to stop. Planes generally do well. They don’t fall from the sky. Generally they are on time. Shit happens during the miracle of air travel. Planes are late. Weather is pretty much everywhere. Don’t take what cannot really be controlled out on your crew or your flatulent travel mates. Also keep in mind that you are in an enclosed space. The normal rules of decency do not go out the window in planes. Cover your mouth, especially. Do not pick your nose like a champion. Clean up a bit if you piss all over the floor in the lav. Do not eat food and stuff the dodgy remnants in the seat pocket in front of you like a slob. For god’s sake, wear deodorant, you are crammed in here with 150 (or more) other human animals. Have some decency.
6. Landing: Go ahead and clap. That’s kind of cool. Flying is amazing. We clap at more mundane shit, so actually going 3000 miles in a few hours and not barreling into a mountain deserves a round of applause.
7. Disembarkation: Ready set, “ding “. DO NOT jump up in a mad race the milli-second that the seat belt sign has gone off like the damned plane is about to combust. It takes a while to get off the plane. Relax.  Create flow, not blockages in the aisle. Help others smaller and older than you to quickly get their crap from the overheads. I have watched old ladies wrestling with their bags for minutes while others just practically trampled them to escape the metal tube. DO NOT congregate in the jetway or in front of the connection screens just outside the aircraft thereby blocking others. Key-word again; conscientious.
8. Baggage claim: Folks, you do not need to practically be standing ON or within millimeters from/on the carousel, blocking everyone else from seeing their mangled luggage. It works better if you stand back a few feet, and when you spot your stuff approach the carousel. If you cannot see your bag from a distance of a few feet, get glasses. No one will steal your bag, although granted it would be so easy to do in most airports. I am not really clear why more thieves don’t just walk into (say Hartsfield in Atlanta is the worst) get a bag cart, and just grab a few suitcases get in a car and drive off. There is NO check at the door. I have been tempted myself in a kind of “baggage lottery” idea to leave my suitcase and grab someone else’s just to see what I would get. They may have better stuff after all.

That is really all. Simple and to the point. I have sent a copy of this to all the world’s major airlines for publishing in their in-flight magazines, and hope to get a few hundred thousand air miles as reward for my efforts at making the world a better place. At least then I can sit in First Class more often.